| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2008|12:32 pm] |
jesus, its been 20 weeks since i last updated.
well i got an ipod. my friend killed himself in a car wreck. im hanging out with more of my friends in the gay community. my toilet got clogged on saturday and flooded the bathroom while i was taking a shower then spent 90 minutes doing laundry. got a job at a grocery store
life sucks, my friends suck. no one ever wants to just hang out. no one calls me. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 24th, 2007|01:26 pm] |
i feel weird today. i dont care about appearances. sometimes when i wear i a nice shrt im confident and for some reason i dont like that. why or how can a piece of cloth make you feel more sure of yourself?
today in art class my teacher told me to go crazy and i did. and the results were great. im not scared of drawing naked people anymore. my first day i was like," oh my god, hes naked and i have to draw his cock and balls!" the feeling passed and now im comfortable drawing ugly or obese models because thats all we seem to get.
thenn one day ge got this girl, who's not fat or wrinkly. her ass is small and her boobs are big. she has blonde hair and plastic framed glasses and all i want to to is take fotos of her on my phone because i know that itll be a long time before i see a chick that hot naked.
im just really lonely these days, living by myself. i still havent unpacked all of my shit. i try to hang out with friends or have friends over and we drink and BS. most of the time i dont have to pay for any of the alcohol.
this loneliness has led me to go out on a limb and ask people i dont know if they wanna hang out. monday i went to a movie with a girl from my math class. i had oroginally invited to come drink at my place but she had class and when her class was over i just asked her if she wanted to see a movie.
so we saw into the wild. all i can say is fuckin fuck yeah, id do what that guy did in that movie! |
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| we're talking about change here |
[Oct. 22nd, 2007|04:13 pm] |
so, i was reading the graphic story of that mountaineering dude, aron Ralston, you know the guy from the miller light beer comnercials, with the prostetic hand because hand to cut it off because it was trapped under a boulder. yeah... that guy! hes the shit.
anyways in his book he was telling his friend about his latest adventures. his friend told him, " its not what you do, its who you are."
theres somethig profound in that statement that i need to discover. ill try to do it here. after fourtten weeks of not writnig my fingers and my brain is pretty lethargic.
most who know me, know that i make things like knives spoons and other shit. i collect stuff and hope that one day ill make something cool out of it. like i have a freezer full of green wood that will some day become spoons. i just haven got to it.
many times i find myself showing off my wares. and their nice about it. but sometimes i feel the need to be validated. when someone tells me that i made somethin well, i get a hard on.
when people ask what im doing now i dont tell them that i deliver pizzas one or two days a week. i tell them that i make knives. what is supposed to be a hobby, is clearly not.
fuck, some things never change, ive lost my train of thought and now im off to go drink some cheap beer for some cool kids |
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| fuck Jazz |
[Jul. 15th, 2007|10:19 pm] |
seriously. fuck all those cool cats because i havev a small essay to write that is due on wednesday and today is almost over and i will not have time this week to finish this fucking essay.
really, this essay is simple. i just have to describe the character and influences of the great Duke Ellington. fucking A. i have researched the shit out if this man and his life and all of his compositions. holy shit, its been so long since ive written an essay. 2 fucking pages. Doubled spaced! sddsdjklsdjksdfowercklsdfffsdfsdfsdfasfklkadf
sdfajksldfjklasdf |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 14th, 2007|10:42 pm] |
last night i only got two hours of sleep. im getting a little tired right now. i have driven about 150 mles today running errands for my dad. ive got a great knife in the making.
today i got a cheap ass set of left handed golf clubs from my stepdad. i realized how great it is to use the right equipment for the job... it fucking rocks!
im going to bed now. hopefully i can sleep. even if its just a few hours. i guess insomnia is a little like being immortal. its not good for anyone. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 10th, 2007|11:14 pm] |
yesterday my friend had his 21st B day at his house. i ate a huge hamburger and immediately after play two games of beer pong. ill never do that again. i somehow managed to not throw up.
im going back to school. im taking two summer school classes in july, a drawing class and a class that will get me my degree. after i pass, if i pass, ill just have to take college algebra! i fucking hate math.
i also got signed up for a dale carnegie traing class. im trying to stay busy, even if i dont have a job i just cant be stagnant for too long. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 9th, 2007|12:44 pm] |
Introduction to Agreeableness
This section of your profile describes your interactions with other people. The ways we communicate our feelings, beliefs and ideas to others are influenced by our cultural backgrounds, the way we were raised, and sometimes which side of the bed we got up on this morning. Some of us are very mindful of others making decisions we hope will be in their best interests, even if it means sometimes neglecting our own interests. Others of us believe each person should be responsible for themselves, taking deep pride in our own character and independence with a firm belief that others are best served by doing the same. The following describes how you engage with others; illustrating the dimension of your personality that determines your independence or your desire to reach out and touch others in meaningful ways.
You are best described as:
USUALLY TAKING CARE OF OTHERS
Words that describe you:
Understanding
Unquestioning
Humane
Selfless
Gentle
Kindhearted
Gullible
Indulgent
A General Description of How You Interact with Others
Here's one important truth about you: you have a tender heart. Yes, you know that others need to learn to take care of themselves. Yes, you know they need to accept the consequences of their foolish or bad behavior. And sometimes, even when your instinct is to help them, you will let them fend for themselves and let them suffer the consequences of their choices or circumstances.
But most of the time you are there to help when they need you. If they are in trouble, you offer compassion and go out of your way to be helpful. If they need someone who will listen, you are trustworthy and sympathetic. And you are direct with them; when they need advice or counsel, you offer it in a straightforward, direct manner, without beating around the bush.
You're also smart enough to know that you cannot take good care of others if you fail to take good care of yourself, so you listen to your own wants and needs. If you've run out of sympathetic energy, you spend time restoring yourself. If you've ignored your own pain or frustration, you find a friend who will listen well, or go into your own private healing place and give yourself permission to focus on you.
But before long, you're back at it with your friends, offering a sympathetic ear and compassion on which they learn to trust, also giving straightforward advice and counsel when they ask for it. You do know how to take care of yourself, but your genuine interest is in taking care of others.
Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You
Selfish people might be embarrassed by you. While they're using their time and energy almost exclusively on themselves, they see you giving time to others, and your kindness puts them in a bad light.
Maybe they'll think you're a phony, that you use your altruism to get others indebted to you so they'll then owe you a favor. Or perhaps they'll accuse you, directly or behind your back, of focusing on the needs of others so no one ever focuses on your foibles or your genuine wounds.
All of these are false accusations; yours is a genuine compassion, because you truly have a tender heart. One criticism might be more substantial, though. People might notice when you let things get out of balance and spend so much time responding to others that you neglect your own needs.
Perhaps it's true to some extent that you are more comfortable when the focus is on someone else's needs than when you and your needs are front and center, and this may be a criticism worth paying attention to.
Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You
Positive responses to you are likely to far outweigh negative responses. For many people, your genuine kindness will be an example of a way to treat others and a way we want others to treat us. They will see in you the traits of compassion and sympathy which they might want to focus on in the development of their own character.
For those people you help you will be the friend they need, there at the right moment to help them when they've stepped into yet another thicket of pain or confusion. They will be grateful for your listening, for your straight talk when they need straight talk more than anything, and for the hand you extend so they can find their way, with your help, out of whatever tangle they've gotten themselves into.
this is wha i got from e harmony. |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 30th, 2007|09:08 pm] |
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these days i feel like a demon that has been caught in his own repulsiveness and only just realizing how distasteful he really is. to those i have offended or said something that should have just not been said, i sincerely apologise. this weekend i was a pig but i had alot of fun |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 2nd, 2007|12:01 pm] |
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my birthday is tomorrow and i have no plans. recently had some great ideas and dreams bout those ideas are gone but that one dream is still there. which is good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 5th, 2007|12:56 am] |
things are sloee these days. i still havent found a job. recently i took an online career aptitude test and it said that a writing position would be the best for me such as advertising slogans and such. but i have conmsciously made it a big deal that i cannot write. its the black sheep of my being. there are demons in my head that say to myself that i cannot write. the problem is that i listen to them.
what sucks is that when i write i can be anyone that i want to be. i can be the loser that has never talked to a woman before in his life or i can be Fabio. but mostly i tend to write about things that no one ever sees. just look at my myspace blogs. they will make you smile but when i wrote those it was under a very strict regimen and under alot of editorial control. underneath it all there was a great deal of feeling and time invested into every word. in a way its the same as my knifemaking. the time and energy that it takes to make a knife, the sheath and a general good feeling for making something and when you compare it to what someone says its worth. when all is said and done you may have invested 80 hours into it and someone will say that this particulst knife is worth 2 hours of your time. no one knows the shit that it takes to make home made pieces of art. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 19th, 2007|01:57 pm] |
today i had lunch with my dad and his boss. i was there because i had finished the knife that i was making for him. so he paid the final payment and bought me lunch. being the successful busimness man that he is. he was curious to see what everything cost, you know, time and labor. i sold the knife for $120. i got it out to him in a very timely manner but as a result i only made $14 for ten hours of work.
this was an experiment and not a very successful one at that. everything cost way more than i thought it would. i paid way too much shipping for the blade but i was in a hurry and asked for nextday shipping which was in reality a bad choice. but there is a better element to this story and that is that i get to make him another knife and when i have all of my material lists and costs ill be able to make a pretty profit. i also found out that i need a business manager, preferably with boobs.
right now im thinking that i should develop a PV kickball league. i want to meet new people and i think kickball would be a "kickass" way to do it. meet up on friday nights and go to a bar afterwards. how cool would that be? |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 13th, 2007|11:54 pm] |
tonight after a mediocre nitght of drinking with my broo at the sand bar, i felt the strange obligation to update. so here i am. jobless. wasting time. so all those out there that feel that they havent been able to keep up with their school work. i know how you feel. procrastination is is a bitch.
now would be about the time that i tell others that i love that i love them. so to all those out there far and near that i have met only once or many times i love you.
in other elements of my life last monday stands out in my mind. this is not as complex as it seems. for one i was able to pick up my big package of knife supplies that came all the way from finland. it was the begginning of a great day. i bought some great merchandise and now after about a year of saying that i would. i finally have fulfilled a promise to myself that i have almost a complete shop to make knives. i have brass, birch bark, leather of all kinds, damascus blades, vulcanised fiber, and reindeer antler. now all that i have to do is get working. i spent most of my savings on these items and now i cant pay all of my bills but i have what i need to make knives.
anyways, last monday i wnet with mike on a road trip to four peaks in his new jeep. we bought a twelve pack of corona. it was a monumental trip for the fact that we drank nonstop until we got stuck in a huge ditch. it was awesome and ultimately i drove the jeep out of the shit.later that night that i met this girl. i called a friend and told him about my day. she overheard and we talked for a while. i showed her the knife that i was making. i found out through talking to her that hse shows up at the "bucks" on mondays to to her homework. so i showed up to see her again. she works with horses. which i think is better that that other gir that i recently was in volved with but nonetheless i truly belive that "animally Centralised" people are weird and that id rather not deal with those kind of people. i tried to hang out with her yesterday but she said that she has a new boyfriend...
where have i heard that before...
my life is lame and diseased.
i have also learned that i am attracted to the curvy chicks. yes,thats right, when i am thirty two i will be married to one of the 300 pounder white chicks. the only way that i will be able cut loose and get groovy will be at church functions.
i just cut myself something fierce with a knife that i have mde myself. never work with sharp object when you are under the influence.
my knifemaking is filled with delusions of grandeur. i dream up the weirdest shi but i lack the knowledge and willingness to detail the steps needed to do what needs to be done. so i waste materials. its something that i cling to for whatever reason, maybe attention, but whatever it is its infantile in how much that it is imbedded in my psyche.
well this is about as much as i can write in one sitting
peasce out and listen to tooots and the maytals. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 28th, 2007|12:01 am] |
today i told my boss after we decided that we were gonna go to sweet tomatoes salad and soup buffet for lunch that after reading fight club ill never eat soup in a public resturant ever again. it took him awhile before he realized what i meant. as a result he told me that i ruined his lunch. they had lobster bisque and clam chowder.
ten things that make me happy:
spoons
making knives
my cats and dogs
toots and the maytals and reggae in general but not so much bob marley.
camping with good friend and a stiff jack daniels drink in hand
shopping for knife supplies
ancient technology
my credit card
shopping for wood.
dreaming of tattooes, im getting ono soon
girly lip gloss |
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| dont call me spoon anymore |
[Feb. 13th, 2007|04:54 pm] |
friends, dont call me spoon anymore. call me mush, after the man who had such terrible luck that everything he touched turned to mush in Robert Deniro's, a bronx tale. i am a failure in college, love and in careers. today i was fired at petsmart. not that big of a deal. its happened many times before. i hated that job. i was planning on quitting very soon anyways but i wanted to find something else to replace it. i wish i could be more focused and po more professional but i get this feeling that im not meant to fit in this city. hell, if i actually had the guts to move out and go on the road i would be a mildly successful drifter.
on saturday i broke it off with a girl that i had been dating for a few weeks. in the beginning it was great. that is, the initial attraction was great. there were other factors that i thought were cool. she went to the same high school as i did. she was a college grad. her little sister was dating my brother.
these should have been ominous signs. that period in my life in high school was one of the darkest times i have ever witnessed. it has messed with my future. it was a bad time and the relationship with my brother isnt exactly that great.
but none the less, i was satisfied with what i had and was blindly ready to commit myself to a
relationship. i wanted her to meet my friends. she was hesitant. she obviously viewed things differently, much differently. a small hickey was a big deal because of her office job.
going to lunch with me on saturdays was something she thought was a sacrifice because she lived so far away from me. yet i drove to her place like 4 times a
week.
so last saturday, after shaking my head and having a terribly doubtful feeling in my heart i went out with her. our conversation turned serious over a beer. to sum it up, i learned that we had like 4 irreconcilable differences that couldnt be worked out. that and i also wasnt that attracted to her after just a few weeks of dating her.
these events hit you fast and parts of my life are falling apart but they are parts that i am used to dealing with. i need to get back on my feet and find a real job that pays really well but with my track record i dont know how ill do it. maybe i should get a job with the city.
so ffriends call me mush from now on, not spoon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 11th, 2007|02:06 am] |
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ive been dating for three weeks and now its over as of like thirty minutes ago. she was pretty but other things got in the way that made her ugly like her love for her fucking ugly, smelly dog. we are at different stages in life and if just a few things were different i think it would have worked. what ever. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 2nd, 2007|09:08 pm] |
ive been sick for the past four days. fever, diarhea, coughing and hallucinations but now im better. now i just have the runs and a really bad cough. ill have to go back to work tomorrow. at least tara will be there. she may talk alot but she is really cool. i really try to listen to everything she says but its so easy to tune out her voice. she must have realized by now that i have been doing it. i hope her boyfriend is a better man than i.
i went to my dads today. as i was driving i saw this woman on rollerblades walking her dog and sweeping the sidewalk with pushbroom. i stared at this woman for less than fifteen seconds and veered off the side of the road and hopped the curb.
then i got to business on the spoon:
i cut myself before i even started. so i took a break and watched house of flying daggers. ( i wanted to see a kung fu movie today) then i went back to work. i have the rough shape and would have gone further but my left hand was really stiff, as though my body had no electrolytes in it or someone heavy sat on it, so i quit. it will be a very nice spoon.
i started dating this girl. its been two weeks and im not really sure where we stand. also, with me being sick this week i havent really seen her and when i talk on the phone with her it is really awkward. we have conflicting schedules and she lives far away, so its challenging to find places to meet. but when we have, its been alot of fun.
also friends are telling me that i should get laid. saying thats its my only chance.
im in no hurry to get laid, but some making out would be nice. thats all i have to say about that. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 9th, 2007|02:14 am] |
Which Lord of the Rings character are you?
</div>
dot take this quiz. it sucks.
i ordered two new knives today! |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 4th, 2007|12:13 am] |
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its a new year. so im trying to go out on a limb and try to make friends and whats more try to deepen those friendships that i have already made. but it wont last very long. ill give up hope and eventually realize that im meant to be a loner in life. i will continue to do what i want and feel lonely. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 23rd, 2006|12:58 am] |
hey,
corrine, mike and jesse now have internet access. they should post something! im too boring for anyone to care. |
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spoonsa_stalker's journal
